I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
