My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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