I just pynch a tree in the face
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
