So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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