i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
