You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
