you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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