Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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