the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
