sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize