I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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