So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
