She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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