i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Farmville is her only friend.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
