Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
