but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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