My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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