Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
