Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
