Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
