Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You smell like stripper and shame
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
