I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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