Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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