After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
