He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
