How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize