he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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