Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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