I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
