How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize