If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
