mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
