cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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