and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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