Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
