Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
