Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
