Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
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