This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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