everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
