if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
