One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
