So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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