My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
