Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
