is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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