I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
