I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
