I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
