New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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