I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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