tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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