you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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