There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
