goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
