I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
