Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
