the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
