Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
