Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
