I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
