I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
