I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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