At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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