he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
