dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
