drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
