fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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