I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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